6 words

There are six words you never want to hear at your prenatal check-up "there's no heartbeat, I'm so sorry". It was like a bad nightmare, again. This happened to us once. Surely this can't be happening again. Statistics show that most people who suffer from a miscarriage go on to carry and deliver healthy babies. Never in a million years would I think I wouldn't be considered "most people". I share my story to bring healing to myself but knowing that only God can truly heal this broken heart. I share our story to combat the lies of feeling alone and part of the 1%. By sharing our story it will help live out Jonah's purpose. Because he isn't able to do it, I want to honor him and the name we chose for him. 

This past month I've allowed myself to grieve, sit in silence, and dive into God's word like never before. Even before my two babies started forming in my womb God knew that they wouldn’t take a breath here on earth. He knew that this would crush me and break me but he never left my side when it did. He knew I would question his love for me and question who he was, but he sent my family and friends to help lift me up to show me his love in a tangible way. Feelings, they're from God too. I’ve allowed myself to feel the heartache of losing my baby. To feel the physical pain of my body returning to what it used to before getting pregnant. To feel nothing moving in my stomach when just a month ago I felt my baby growing, flourishing, moving. In this season I’m learning to be still, and know that God is indeed God (Psalm 46:10). I will probably never know the how’s and why’s until I get to heaven but in this time, I know God’s plan is bigger and better than mine. Sure, I would have loved to deliver my two babies and raise them in the house of God, but God's plan was different. I’m still waiting for that plan to unfold and reveal itself but until then, I’ll sit and trust in His plan.

The day I announced to the world we were expecting our now second heavenly baby, I used the scripture Jeremiah 1:5 “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” We found out we were expecting a boy through a pathology report. This report provided us with answers. Answers like our baby was perfectly formed, perfectly in tact, and perfectly Jet's baby brother. About a week after learning he was a boy, we named him Jonah. After deciding on the name Jonah, I learned that Jonah in the bible was a prophet. I believe God is using our little Jonah to be a prophet to the nations even from Heaven. 

It was an afternoon just like it is today. The sun went down behind the Waianae mountain range and the blues, yellows, and pinks of the sky peeked through our home. Unlike today, I could barely hold myself up. With every waking moment I wanted to cry. I wanted it to be a bad dream. I wanted the doctors to be wrong. I remember that exact moment and how the nurse looked at me with concern. What started as a normal doctors appointment quickly turned into calm chaos. I went in, they took my vitals, I peed in the cup, everything was going the way it was supposed to. The nurse started to show concern because of how much weight I had lost and ordered an end of first trimester blood test. After chatting it up she takes out the doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat. She can’t find it. I point to an area where I usually feel you (my right side) but she still can’t hear your itty bitty heart. Trying not to panic she says she’ll get the ultrasound and call a doctor in because she’s not trained in ultrasounds. The doctor comes in sweet as can be and scans my belly. I look up at your daddy and he has a blank yet hopeful look in his eyes. Again, we’re going through this again. She too can’t find a heartbeat. They take some measurements and you’re measuring exactly where you should be, 17 weeks. She explains that this might have just happened. I go numb. I don’t know what to think. They explain our different options for delivering you but I don’t want to listen. I don’t want to know what my options are. I want to keep my baby. I want my baby to keep growing and deliver it in June like I was supposed to. They let your dad and I have a moment in the room and told us to take as long as we needed. We walk out of the doctors office hand in hand but unlike most couples tears in our eyes. When we get to the car I call my sister and mom and loose it. How, why? We pick up Jet from my cousin's and head home. Instantly I felt every emotion possible. From anger, to sadness, to disbelief, to nothing at all. I sat on the couch just crying. All I really remember that afternoon was telling your dad I didn’t want to be left alone. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t know what my mind was capable of. That night my mom comes to be with us. Afraid that I could go into labor at any time I wanted her here just in case. Because of the holiday we had to make a decision rather quickly because the offices would be closed the next few days. We decided to have a D&E surgery. Afraid of going through the whole laboring process only to deliver a non breathing baby was something your dad and I couldn't do. The next few days were a blur. We welcomed the new year at home away from the world. To me, there was nothing to celebrate. My baby was dead inside of me. A few days later your dad drops me off at Kaiser for the surgery. I go in thinking it’ll just be a few hours. My surgery got delayed and the laboring process started. Alone, in pain, I called for the nurse. Turns out my mucus plug came out and my body was trying to do its thing on its own. Finally, I go into surgery. I don’t remember much because I was unconscious. I woke up in the recovery room to a nurse that wouldn’t stop talking to me. I remember feeling drowsy but he was trying to evaluate if I was well enough to go home. An hour later I call our dad to pick me up. I remember feeling really sleepy and just wanting to rest. We get home, I eat a little, and take a nap. That night I was in so much physical pain but not as much pain as my heart was in. I remember sitting on the couch thinking of how you weren’t in there anymore. Thankfully my mom was here to help me through the next few days. 

My heart still longs for you. My natural reactions and bodily movements still caress my tummy as if you’re still in there. Oh how I wish you were still in there. I selfishly want you to myself. My heart has never felt this type of pain. It aches like I’m missing a part of myself. Like a part of me is gone. My insides want to scream. I know you’re in a better place but I’m still left with my mind wondering what you would have been like. Would you look more like your daddy or would you be an exact replica of me like your brother is? What would you grow up to be? All these questions will never be answered. I just need to trust that this was all part of God’s plan for us. I miss you, I love you, forever my third baby.

Secondary Infertility: Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,

I never knew I could love someone I've never met. Sure, we don't have much of a bond but for the few weeks we were expecting you it was like a dream come true. Your dad, brother, and I waited almost 2 1/2 years for you and finally three tests later we were expecting you. When I first took the pregnancy test I went in with very low expectations. Month after month I would have negative tests so I've learned not to get my hopes up. Finally, it was positive! I couldn't believe my eyes. I had it all planned out, how I was going to tell your dad. I recorded his reaction and everything!The next week we went to the doctor's office to confirm you were real and sure enough, positive. It was true, we weren't dreaming! We got pregnant, without the help of an IUI! 

That same day I had to do a gestational diabetes test even though I was only 4 weeks at the time. See, when you're old like me and diabetes runs in our family, the doctors make you do things like this early on. Sure enough, my levels were high. A week later I did a three hour test to confirm my diagnosis. It was true. Pregnancy had given me gestational diabetes. The following week your dad picked up the testing kit and four times a day I had to measure my blood sugar levels. It was complete torture, but for you, I would do whatever it took. Next, I had to go on a strict diet and basically give up carbs and sweets but again, I would do whatever it took to have us healthy. 

A few weeks later we were scheduled for our 9 week ultrasound. I was so excited to finally be able to see you for the first time. The ultrasound tech called us back and already things started out stressful. They got a new machine and she was learning how to use it. I felt like a guinea pig. She was stressed, I was stressed, not a good combination. She ran the wand over my stomach and said you were too small to see so she had to go in vaginally. Piece of cake, I just did this a few months ago. NOT! Remember how she was learning the new machine? Well, she had one hand on the wand (which was in me) and one hand learning which buttons to press. Things took longer than expected because she would push the wrong button and delete what she needed. Lots of pressure and lots of attitude from this expectant mama. She informs us that you were measuring at only 6 weeks and 2 days. Ok, a little off from the expectant 9 weeks and 4 days we thought you were but it happens. She sits me up and hands me a box of tissues. She explains "I need to show these scans to the doctor and she'll be in to talk to you". Confused, I ask her is everything ok? She can't say.

The doctor comes in and says you're measuring small and when they did the scan they didn't detect a heartbeat. She schedules us to come back a week later to re-measure and see if they can find a heartbeat then. Of course being the mom I am, I read everything Google had on "no heartbeat at 6 weeks gestation" to "signs of miscarriage". A few days later I start spotting again. The first time was a few weeks ago but it was very minimal and it went away so I wasn't concerned. Three days later, I was still spotting but now it's starting to get heavier. I wake up on day four thinking ok, something is wrong. Your brother and I go to school but as soon as I get back to my office after dropping him off I feel a gush of blood. This time with tissue. Ok, something is definitely wrong and what I've been fearing is actually happening. I call the doctor and head home. 

We have an appointment later that morning but in my heart I already knew. I knew that you weren't meant to be mine on earth but that I'll see you in heaven. The rest of the day was painful as you passed through me. The last time I cried this much was when your papa died. There's a lot of people in heaven so if papa hasn't found you yet, be on the look out for a guy who probably looks like you. Make friends with the rest of the babies who haven't met their earthly parents yet and watch over your dad, brother, and I. I love you Baby B and when my time comes to call heaven my home, I'll be happy to meet you.

I got this custom bracelet made with what would have been your birthstone. Did you know we would’ve shared the same stone? I’ll always have this on my right hand to remind me of the few weeks you were ours. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart and will always be my second baby. 

Love,

Your Mommy

Secondary Infertility: The IUI failed, not you

Its taken me a while to write this because for one, I've been battling my brain and the thoughts of failure. Failure because I felt like my body failed me. I failed. I personally know a few people whom their IUI didn't work on the first try but somewhere deep down inside of me I thought I would be different. I knew the chances of it actually working were slim and as much as I tried not to get my hopes up, up they were. For months we were waiting for that moment and finally, I thought our infertility journey was over. From timing my period, blood tests, x-rays, ultrasounds, to ovulation medication, I thought everything would finally work in our favor. Two weeks later still no period. I called my NP and explained that I never got my period yet and they suggested I wait over the weekend. I had to call back on Monday to either take a pregnancy test or go back on the ovulation medication. Well, it was the latter. 

My period came that weekend and Monday morning I called to refill my prescription. As disappointed for us as our NP was, she actually said "honestly, I would be more shocked if you did get pregnant". I guess most people don't get pregnant on the first try and the more you do it, the better your chances. As disappointed as we both were she ended the conversation by saying "stick with me, we'll keep trying". So, another round of meds, another month we wait. 

Next month rolls around and I had to buy another ovulation kit. If you've ever used the Clear Blue digital kits you know how pricey they can get. Irritated to have to pay to try to get pregnant I started testing. The Clear Blue kits give you a blinking/flashing happy face which means high fertility and a constant/non flashing happy face meaning peak fertility. The month prior I didn't have the blinking happy face. It went from nothing to peak so I was a bit confused as to what to do. I called the office and spoke to the nurse. She booked an appointment for the next morning since they can only do 3 or so IUI's a day. My NP called that afternoon to discuss the different happy faces and asked that I test again that afternoon. If I didn't have the constant happy face then to wait another day. If I did, then I would come in originally as planned. Well, Titan was picking Jet up from school that day and usually they just wait around or run to Walmart while they wait an extra hour for me to get off work. Since we had plans later that night and weren't planning on being home until later, I had him go home, pick up my ovulation kit, and bring it with him when he picked me up. Reluctantly he did and I tested in our school bathroom. 

Sure enough, I was peaking. We went on with the rest of our evening and thought to try get pregnant the old fashion way. Knowing we had an IUI scheduled the next morning, I remember our NP saying the more the better so that's what we did. 

The next morning, Titan provided his sample and two hours later I showed up for my IUI. I go into the room, everything was same as last time and a doctor comes in (my NP was off that day). She asks how I'm doing and asks me to sit up. Ok, this can't be good. She explains how they received the sample from my husband but when the lab did the wash there was barely anything there. She asked if my husband was feeling ok because they did see some red blood cells so she thought he was fighting off an infection. I called him and he explained that everything was normal and he did exactly what he was supposed to do. How could one go from 38 million to barely nothing? Bewildered she asked if I wanted to follow through with the IUI even though my chances were pretty nonexistent at this point. I told her we didn't need to and she performed my normal pap smear since I was due anyway. 

Disappointed I walked back to my car in disbelief. I was numb because I didn't want to allow myself to feel anything. I called my sister and explained what happened and went to treat myself to a poke bowl to make me feel better. I went back to work and carried on with the rest of my day. My doctor calls me back two weeks later and asks to pick up my ovulation meds since a holiday weekend was coming up. I agreed and waited for my period to come, yet again. 

Secondary Infertility: Medication and IUI procedure

I had my HSG test done in late January and I was told many people get pregnant after that. The procedure itself doesn't claim to clean out your tubes but coincidentally this is what happens to many people. I was hopeful. My tubes were clear and all our tests came back normal. I thought to myself this should do the trick, this is going to be my month, and I'll have my October baby. 

February came and I was diligent in doing my ovulation tests. The entire month of February and no rise in LH (luteinizing hormone). Because of this, it means I didn't ovulate. February went and no period. March started and I had an appointment to take my first dose of the COVID vaccine. Since I didn't get a period in February I spoke to my infertility Nurse Practitioner and she gave me the option of starting a medication to jump start my period. Because I knew I had my second vaccine in a few weeks we decided to hold off. I didn't want to be on all this medication and the possibility of being pregnant and get my second vaccine. I'm glad I waited because my period came naturally at the end of March. 

I called my Nurse Practitioner and I've never heard someone so excited for me to have a period. I was a bit confused because having a period meant I wasn't pregnant but she assured me that in my case, a period was a good thing. It meant my body is doing what it's supposed to do and I didn't need extra help. On the third day of my period she prescribed me Letrozole to help me ovulate. It was an itty bitty tablet (like birth control size) I took once a day for five days. During these five days I did get my second dose of the COVID vaccine and thankfully didn't have any major side effects. 

The next week I started testing again for ovulation. For four days straight I got nothing. Then I woke up Friday morning with a big SMILEY FACE, it was go time! I called my Nurse Practitioner and they wanted us to come in right away. 

Titan rushed home to produce his sample and drove our future hopeful baby to the lab. They performed a sperm wash (separate the sperm from the other stuff) and two hours later I found myself on the table preparing to "get pregnant". 

This time, my Nurse Practitioner was the one to perform the procedure so it was nice to have a familiar face. She came into the room bragging on how proud she was of Titan. I think she even called him a rockstar at one point (more on that later). She talked me through exactly what would happen and started the procedure. The clamp was used and a few cotton swipes to clean me out. She inserted a catheter and down (or up) went my little swimmers. She held it in place for a few minutes and next thing I knew we were done. She had me lay there with my hips elevated for 20 minutes just to allow the swimmers to do their thing. After the 20 minutes she asked me if I wanted to see a part of my husband I probably have never seen before. I agreed and she took me to the back where she had set up a microscope. 

She explained that there's always a drop left of the sample and she smeared this drop on to those clear things to look under the microscope. I looked in and saw my little swimmers! There were so many of them! According to the Nurse, Titan provided 38 million of them to be somewhat exact! She zoomed in closer and I saw the activity even better. Some weren't moving (dead), some were swimming in circles (crazy ones), and others were swimming in a straight line (those we like). She said there was a good amount of them swimming in a straight line so Titan had a good batch! As I left the office she reminded me to have a relaxing weekend and have lots of sex! Now for a blood test in a week and a pregnancy test the week after. Prayers are much appreciated :)

Future hopeful baby in that little tube!

Secondary Infertility: HSG x-ray

Two days after my pelvic ultrasound appointment I had the dreaded HSG x-ray. I googled the heck out of it so I knew what to expect and all I heard were horror stories. I even talked to a friend who had this procedure done and it got me even more anxious. Going into the appointment I took two advil pills because I heard it's good to take something 30 min-1 hour beforehand to possibly eliminate any discomfort. I got checked in and used the bathroom (the last thing I wanted was to pee all over the table while this procedure was happening). I quickly got called back and the x-ray tech was so sweet. We had some small talk and she even put on some music to help distract me. 

The Radiologist finally arrived and he talked through every step with me. First, he cleaned everything down there and made sure I didn't touch the towels they had on me since they were considered "sterile". He placed the clamp on (similar to what they use for a pap smear) and slowly inserted a thin tube all the way to the opening of my cervix. The radiologist constantly checked in on me and talked me through everything. At one point he asked if I felt pressure and I responded with a "not really". This somewhat concerned him because usually you feel something so he knows he's far up enough. He then squeezed a balloon type thing filled with dye into the tube. We watched as the dye spread through my fallopian tubes and how it spilled out on both sides. This was a good thing because it meant that there were no blockages in my tubes. 

All in all the procedure lasted about 6-7 minutes (if that). There was minor pressure but nothing really to write about (everyone has different experiences). I got changed and headed home expecting to feel cramping but there wasn't any. I guess after experiencing contractions and actually delivering a baby there's nothing that really compares to the pain I've felt before. They advise you not to submerge in water or have sex for a whole day to eliminate infection but nothing I couldn't live without. Next, we do the deed and try to get pregnant. 

Something cool I learned was that fallopian tubes don't really look like bull horns. They're actually small squiggly lines and not so much big round things we normally see in textbooks. Here is a photo of my x-ray with the tube inserted and the ink spilling out. 

Secondary Infertility: The first pelvic ultrasound

About an hour and a half before your appointment they make you empty your bladder. After doing so, you have to drink 30 oz. of water in 30 minutes. To some that may be easy but for me it was torture. I already don't get enough water in my system so I felt like I was going to drown. I timed it right where I would eat my lunch during those 30 minutes so it was easier for me to drink water. Then, you wait. You can't use the bathroom prior to your appointment and again it wasn't so bad at first. As I pulled into the parking lot the urge came. I rushed to diagnostic imaging and of course there were 3 people in front of me. At this point, I was doing the pee dance and even had to sit on a chair to hold it in. I seriously thought I was going to pee in front of everyone! I threw my medical card onto the counter and told the receptionist, I have to do that ultrasound thing and I drank a bunch of water but I really have to pee! She called the x-ray tech and notified her about my situation and gave me the ok to release a little. I guess she could tell from the look in my eyes and me hunched over with my legs crossed that I wasn't going to be able to hold it across the building to the nearest restroom so, she let me use on their bathrooms. I kid you not, it flowed like the Jordan river. A few minutes later I was called back for my appointment. 

I've had ultrasounds before (ummm... hello, I've had a baby before) but I was still anxious. I knew what an abdominal ultrasound was like but I've never had a transvaginal one done. The abdominal one is like what you see in the movies. A warm gel is placed on your belly and they have a tool (scanner looking thing the size of a hand scanner you see while checking out at the grocery store) that can see your insides. Nothing major.

Then the ultrasound tech handed me this huge wand looking thing. Seriously, it looked 2 feet long. She said "ok I'm going to hand this to you under the blanket and you're going to stick it in" I responded "like a tampon?" She chuckled and said yes. It wasn't as bad as I thought nor did it hurt like I thought but she was in there for a little. A little cramping and a little pressure and discomfort but nothing major. I did take an Aleve before my appointment so that may have something to do with it. She probed and moved the wand left and right. Within 20 minutes the appointment was over. Thank goodness because sure enough I had to pee again!

                         

Secondary infertility is STILL infertility

 I've been a bit anxious opening up about this but I told myself I wanted to start writing more in 2021 so here it goes...

In 2016 we were blessed with a healthy baby boy. Well, now that baby is four going on fourteen and we've been longing to grow our family. I always wanted my kids close in age 2, maybe 3 year apart, but unfortunately that wasn't in the cards for us. I had a bad pregnancy the first time around and I remember telling myself "I don't know why anyone would want to put themselves through this again knowing what it was like the first time". From nausea to actually loosing weight from throwing up so much, to 3.5 hours of pushing and breast engorgement from clogged ducts you name it, I had it. I often blame myself for the reason why we haven't been able to get pregnant again. Thoughts like "if I hadn't complained so much" or "why does my body hate me so much" are often played in my head but I have to keep telling myself to Trust in HIS plan and not mine.

So here we are 2 years of trying and 1 year of really trying and still no sibling for Jet. We've had numerous conversations about how far we really wanted to go with treatments and finally made the appointment to meet with an infertility specialist. At the end of 2020, literally December 28, we met with the specialist and she asked us a bunch of questions regarding our medical history and family medical history. She developed a plan of action starting with taking vitamins (Irene: Omega - 3, CoQ10, D3, prenatal and Titan: Omega - 3, CoQ10, D3, Mens multi-vitamin). We started those and I developed a rash in my underarms and me and the ladies room got to know each other really well - I'll leave that part up to your imagination. I recently stopped the CoQ10 and my rash has disappeared and I no longer frequent the restroom. 

Next, she ordered a bunch of tests. First, Titan had to do a semen analysis. He complained about it but seriously, all he needed to do was provide a sample in a cup. His results came back normal and we learned that he has many healthy swimmers. Us ladies, we have it a bit harder. Some tests include an ultrasound (both abdominal and vaginal) to check your ovaries and uterus. 7-10 days after the start of your period you do a HSG test where they insert dye into your fallopian tubes to see if they're open or blocked. Both men and women have to do some blood tests. Once we get the results back of all the tests we'll develop another plan of action. This could include several rounds of IUI and eventually IVF. Since we already have one kid we (more-so me) decided we'll go as far as IUI but didn't want to do IVF. 

I'll document more of my journey here so feel free to check back for updates. Here's to hoping to introduce you to a new healthy sibling for Jet by the end of this year or early next year!