Teigen Skye Burns

 2023. 

The year started off normally, dinner at a friend's house, fireworks, putting away the Christmas decorations, then the next week we find out I was pregnant. To me, I was excited yet, didn't want to get my hopes up. Excited enough to Facetime Titan at work to show him my positive pregnancy test, yet nervous enough not to tell Jet just yet. A week goes by and we celebrate my birthday. Thankfully, no nausea yet but a few weeks after that it hit me hard. I was sick from about 6 weeks - 20 weeks. I couldn't eat, I'd throw up often, and it was worse after I got out of the shower. Poor Jet had to fend for himself a few nights, eating whatever snacks he could find until Titan came home to feed him a proper dinner. I laid in bed from the moment I got home from work and didn't get up until the next morning. 

I was so scared to tell anyone the news or post anything to social media because of what happened with Jonah. The year went by and slowly people started to notice. In June, we took our last family vacation as a family of 3 and met up with some family from the Mainland. It was nice. Nice to not be nauseous, nice to see extended family, nice to be in a different environment, and nice to be a little more than halfway through my pregnancy. 

In July, we finally announced to close family and friends we were expecting. Some people found out for the first time through a housewarming/baby shower invite. Like I said earlier, we didn't really tell anyone we were expecting. Trying to downplay my pregnancy in case anything bad happened, at least it was also a housewarming party. My belly was growing and she was getting heavier and harder to carry. Because of my age and my history, my doctor gives me the option to be induced. Being the planner I am and Titan wanting to schedule his time off we go ahead with it. We could be induced up to one week before my due date so Titan preferred September 12 (his birthday is December 12 and 12 is our favorite number, individually). The days went on and as we got closer to this date I had a hunch she was going to come early. It was getting harder and harder to walk and do normal every day things. She would kick me really hard and have the hiccups often. 

Monday, September 11, I go to work, not wanting to take any more vacation time than what I really needed. I was instructed to call the hospital at 7am on September 12 to see if they had space for my 9am induction. I called, and they said call back at 9:00 because they were full. This gave Titan and I time to eat breakfast and enjoy the last few hours alone together. I call at 9:00 and they said to come in at 1:00. We do some errands and kill time before heading to the hospital. We check in and by the time I get settled and hooked up to my IV and start Pitocin it was about 2pm. Every 30 minutes or so they would up my dosage. I was moving along slowly but still didn't really feel the contractions. I walked around the labor and delivery floor, paced back and forth in our room, and watched about 3 episodes of Selling the OC. Still, didn't really feel bad contractions. I Facetimed with my best friend and Facetimed with Jet. I got emotional when I saw him. This is the very few times I wasn't sleeping at home with him.

At around 8:00pm my doctor encourages me to have my water broken to move things along faster. Before agreeing to it I ask for the epidural because I didn't want to fell a thing. Quickly after they come in to put it in. It wasn't as bad or hard as I remember the last one being but I do remember shaking uncontrollably once it was done. The doctor said it was from all the adrenaline running though my body. At 9pm they break my water. I feel a little pressure with every contraction but I was able to get some rest. At about 11pm my midwife and nurses come into my room. According to Titan, they looked concerned and woke me up. My midwife asks me if I'm ready to start pushing. Still a little sleepy I think I said something like, I guess so. Apparently, Teigen had dropped into the birthing canal and her heart rate dropped. They could see this from their monitors which prompted them to jump into action. 

I start pushing but nothing seemed to happen. My midwife suggested I lay on my right side and push that way. This was the only position I was actually comfortable in and pushing I did. At around 11:30 I remember the midwife telling Titan, it'll either be a September 12 baby or September 13 baby. Given how badly he wanted a September 12 baby he encouraged me with a little pep talk and told me "You got this". A few set of pushes later at 11:45pm Teigen joined us earth side. Titan doesn't do well with blood and knowing this was my last baby, I cut the cord and asked to see the placenta. They laid Teigen on my chest and I began to cry. Titan started crying too and told me "Good job Yobo". Finally, we had our baby we were praying for. Healthy as can be weighing 7.2 lbs and 19 inches. With every contraction I didn't feel anything, just a little pressure. I had prayed for a smooth delivery and got exactly what I had hoped for. We rolled into the mother/baby side of the floor and I was finally able to eat something. That early morning was a blur but I remember feeling so thankful. The postpartum recovery was tough but for Teigen, I'll make the sacrifice.  

6 words

There are six words you never want to hear at your prenatal check-up "there's no heartbeat, I'm so sorry". It was like a bad nightmare, again. This happened to us once. Surely this can't be happening again. Statistics show that most people who suffer from a miscarriage go on to carry and deliver healthy babies. Never in a million years would I think I wouldn't be considered "most people". I share my story to bring healing to myself but knowing that only God can truly heal this broken heart. I share our story to combat the lies of feeling alone and part of the 1%. By sharing our story it will help live out Jonah's purpose. Because he isn't able to do it, I want to honor him and the name we chose for him. 

This past month I've allowed myself to grieve, sit in silence, and dive into God's word like never before. Even before my two babies started forming in my womb God knew that they wouldn’t take a breath here on earth. He knew that this would crush me and break me but he never left my side when it did. He knew I would question his love for me and question who he was, but he sent my family and friends to help lift me up to show me his love in a tangible way. Feelings, they're from God too. I’ve allowed myself to feel the heartache of losing my baby. To feel the physical pain of my body returning to what it used to before getting pregnant. To feel nothing moving in my stomach when just a month ago I felt my baby growing, flourishing, moving. In this season I’m learning to be still, and know that God is indeed God (Psalm 46:10). I will probably never know the how’s and why’s until I get to heaven but in this time, I know God’s plan is bigger and better than mine. Sure, I would have loved to deliver my two babies and raise them in the house of God, but God's plan was different. I’m still waiting for that plan to unfold and reveal itself but until then, I’ll sit and trust in His plan.

The day I announced to the world we were expecting our now second heavenly baby, I used the scripture Jeremiah 1:5 “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” We found out we were expecting a boy through a pathology report. This report provided us with answers. Answers like our baby was perfectly formed, perfectly in tact, and perfectly Jet's baby brother. About a week after learning he was a boy, we named him Jonah. After deciding on the name Jonah, I learned that Jonah in the bible was a prophet. I believe God is using our little Jonah to be a prophet to the nations even from Heaven. 

It was an afternoon just like it is today. The sun went down behind the Waianae mountain range and the blues, yellows, and pinks of the sky peeked through our home. Unlike today, I could barely hold myself up. With every waking moment I wanted to cry. I wanted it to be a bad dream. I wanted the doctors to be wrong. I remember that exact moment and how the nurse looked at me with concern. What started as a normal doctors appointment quickly turned into calm chaos. I went in, they took my vitals, I peed in the cup, everything was going the way it was supposed to. The nurse started to show concern because of how much weight I had lost and ordered an end of first trimester blood test. After chatting it up she takes out the doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat. She can’t find it. I point to an area where I usually feel you (my right side) but she still can’t hear your itty bitty heart. Trying not to panic she says she’ll get the ultrasound and call a doctor in because she’s not trained in ultrasounds. The doctor comes in sweet as can be and scans my belly. I look up at your daddy and he has a blank yet hopeful look in his eyes. Again, we’re going through this again. She too can’t find a heartbeat. They take some measurements and you’re measuring exactly where you should be, 17 weeks. She explains that this might have just happened. I go numb. I don’t know what to think. They explain our different options for delivering you but I don’t want to listen. I don’t want to know what my options are. I want to keep my baby. I want my baby to keep growing and deliver it in June like I was supposed to. They let your dad and I have a moment in the room and told us to take as long as we needed. We walk out of the doctors office hand in hand but unlike most couples tears in our eyes. When we get to the car I call my sister and mom and loose it. How, why? We pick up Jet from my cousin's and head home. Instantly I felt every emotion possible. From anger, to sadness, to disbelief, to nothing at all. I sat on the couch just crying. All I really remember that afternoon was telling your dad I didn’t want to be left alone. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t know what my mind was capable of. That night my mom comes to be with us. Afraid that I could go into labor at any time I wanted her here just in case. Because of the holiday we had to make a decision rather quickly because the offices would be closed the next few days. We decided to have a D&E surgery. Afraid of going through the whole laboring process only to deliver a non breathing baby was something your dad and I couldn't do. The next few days were a blur. We welcomed the new year at home away from the world. To me, there was nothing to celebrate. My baby was dead inside of me. A few days later your dad drops me off at Kaiser for the surgery. I go in thinking it’ll just be a few hours. My surgery got delayed and the laboring process started. Alone, in pain, I called for the nurse. Turns out my mucus plug came out and my body was trying to do its thing on its own. Finally, I go into surgery. I don’t remember much because I was unconscious. I woke up in the recovery room to a nurse that wouldn’t stop talking to me. I remember feeling drowsy but he was trying to evaluate if I was well enough to go home. An hour later I call our dad to pick me up. I remember feeling really sleepy and just wanting to rest. We get home, I eat a little, and take a nap. That night I was in so much physical pain but not as much pain as my heart was in. I remember sitting on the couch thinking of how you weren’t in there anymore. Thankfully my mom was here to help me through the next few days. 

My heart still longs for you. My natural reactions and bodily movements still caress my tummy as if you’re still in there. Oh how I wish you were still in there. I selfishly want you to myself. My heart has never felt this type of pain. It aches like I’m missing a part of myself. Like a part of me is gone. My insides want to scream. I know you’re in a better place but I’m still left with my mind wondering what you would have been like. Would you look more like your daddy or would you be an exact replica of me like your brother is? What would you grow up to be? All these questions will never be answered. I just need to trust that this was all part of God’s plan for us. I miss you, I love you, forever my third baby.

Secondary Infertility: Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,

I never knew I could love someone I've never met. Sure, we don't have much of a bond but for the few weeks we were expecting you it was like a dream come true. Your dad, brother, and I waited almost 2 1/2 years for you and finally three tests later we were expecting you. When I first took the pregnancy test I went in with very low expectations. Month after month I would have negative tests so I've learned not to get my hopes up. Finally, it was positive! I couldn't believe my eyes. I had it all planned out, how I was going to tell your dad. I recorded his reaction and everything!The next week we went to the doctor's office to confirm you were real and sure enough, positive. It was true, we weren't dreaming! We got pregnant, without the help of an IUI! 

That same day I had to do a gestational diabetes test even though I was only 4 weeks at the time. See, when you're old like me and diabetes runs in our family, the doctors make you do things like this early on. Sure enough, my levels were high. A week later I did a three hour test to confirm my diagnosis. It was true. Pregnancy had given me gestational diabetes. The following week your dad picked up the testing kit and four times a day I had to measure my blood sugar levels. It was complete torture, but for you, I would do whatever it took. Next, I had to go on a strict diet and basically give up carbs and sweets but again, I would do whatever it took to have us healthy. 

A few weeks later we were scheduled for our 9 week ultrasound. I was so excited to finally be able to see you for the first time. The ultrasound tech called us back and already things started out stressful. They got a new machine and she was learning how to use it. I felt like a guinea pig. She was stressed, I was stressed, not a good combination. She ran the wand over my stomach and said you were too small to see so she had to go in vaginally. Piece of cake, I just did this a few months ago. NOT! Remember how she was learning the new machine? Well, she had one hand on the wand (which was in me) and one hand learning which buttons to press. Things took longer than expected because she would push the wrong button and delete what she needed. Lots of pressure and lots of attitude from this expectant mama. She informs us that you were measuring at only 6 weeks and 2 days. Ok, a little off from the expectant 9 weeks and 4 days we thought you were but it happens. She sits me up and hands me a box of tissues. She explains "I need to show these scans to the doctor and she'll be in to talk to you". Confused, I ask her is everything ok? She can't say.

The doctor comes in and says you're measuring small and when they did the scan they didn't detect a heartbeat. She schedules us to come back a week later to re-measure and see if they can find a heartbeat then. Of course being the mom I am, I read everything Google had on "no heartbeat at 6 weeks gestation" to "signs of miscarriage". A few days later I start spotting again. The first time was a few weeks ago but it was very minimal and it went away so I wasn't concerned. Three days later, I was still spotting but now it's starting to get heavier. I wake up on day four thinking ok, something is wrong. Your brother and I go to school but as soon as I get back to my office after dropping him off I feel a gush of blood. This time with tissue. Ok, something is definitely wrong and what I've been fearing is actually happening. I call the doctor and head home. 

We have an appointment later that morning but in my heart I already knew. I knew that you weren't meant to be mine on earth but that I'll see you in heaven. The rest of the day was painful as you passed through me. The last time I cried this much was when your papa died. There's a lot of people in heaven so if papa hasn't found you yet, be on the look out for a guy who probably looks like you. Make friends with the rest of the babies who haven't met their earthly parents yet and watch over your dad, brother, and I. I love you Baby B and when my time comes to call heaven my home, I'll be happy to meet you.

I got this custom bracelet made with what would have been your birthstone. Did you know we would’ve shared the same stone? I’ll always have this on my right hand to remind me of the few weeks you were ours. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart and will always be my second baby. 

Love,

Your Mommy

Secondary Infertility: The IUI failed, not you

Its taken me a while to write this because for one, I've been battling my brain and the thoughts of failure. Failure because I felt like my body failed me. I failed. I personally know a few people whom their IUI didn't work on the first try but somewhere deep down inside of me I thought I would be different. I knew the chances of it actually working were slim and as much as I tried not to get my hopes up, up they were. For months we were waiting for that moment and finally, I thought our infertility journey was over. From timing my period, blood tests, x-rays, ultrasounds, to ovulation medication, I thought everything would finally work in our favor. Two weeks later still no period. I called my NP and explained that I never got my period yet and they suggested I wait over the weekend. I had to call back on Monday to either take a pregnancy test or go back on the ovulation medication. Well, it was the latter. 

My period came that weekend and Monday morning I called to refill my prescription. As disappointed for us as our NP was, she actually said "honestly, I would be more shocked if you did get pregnant". I guess most people don't get pregnant on the first try and the more you do it, the better your chances. As disappointed as we both were she ended the conversation by saying "stick with me, we'll keep trying". So, another round of meds, another month we wait. 

Next month rolls around and I had to buy another ovulation kit. If you've ever used the Clear Blue digital kits you know how pricey they can get. Irritated to have to pay to try to get pregnant I started testing. The Clear Blue kits give you a blinking/flashing happy face which means high fertility and a constant/non flashing happy face meaning peak fertility. The month prior I didn't have the blinking happy face. It went from nothing to peak so I was a bit confused as to what to do. I called the office and spoke to the nurse. She booked an appointment for the next morning since they can only do 3 or so IUI's a day. My NP called that afternoon to discuss the different happy faces and asked that I test again that afternoon. If I didn't have the constant happy face then to wait another day. If I did, then I would come in originally as planned. Well, Titan was picking Jet up from school that day and usually they just wait around or run to Walmart while they wait an extra hour for me to get off work. Since we had plans later that night and weren't planning on being home until later, I had him go home, pick up my ovulation kit, and bring it with him when he picked me up. Reluctantly he did and I tested in our school bathroom. 

Sure enough, I was peaking. We went on with the rest of our evening and thought to try get pregnant the old fashion way. Knowing we had an IUI scheduled the next morning, I remember our NP saying the more the better so that's what we did. 

The next morning, Titan provided his sample and two hours later I showed up for my IUI. I go into the room, everything was same as last time and a doctor comes in (my NP was off that day). She asks how I'm doing and asks me to sit up. Ok, this can't be good. She explains how they received the sample from my husband but when the lab did the wash there was barely anything there. She asked if my husband was feeling ok because they did see some red blood cells so she thought he was fighting off an infection. I called him and he explained that everything was normal and he did exactly what he was supposed to do. How could one go from 38 million to barely nothing? Bewildered she asked if I wanted to follow through with the IUI even though my chances were pretty nonexistent at this point. I told her we didn't need to and she performed my normal pap smear since I was due anyway. 

Disappointed I walked back to my car in disbelief. I was numb because I didn't want to allow myself to feel anything. I called my sister and explained what happened and went to treat myself to a poke bowl to make me feel better. I went back to work and carried on with the rest of my day. My doctor calls me back two weeks later and asks to pick up my ovulation meds since a holiday weekend was coming up. I agreed and waited for my period to come, yet again. 

Secondary Infertility: Medication and IUI procedure

I had my HSG test done in late January and I was told many people get pregnant after that. The procedure itself doesn't claim to clean out your tubes but coincidentally this is what happens to many people. I was hopeful. My tubes were clear and all our tests came back normal. I thought to myself this should do the trick, this is going to be my month, and I'll have my October baby. 

February came and I was diligent in doing my ovulation tests. The entire month of February and no rise in LH (luteinizing hormone). Because of this, it means I didn't ovulate. February went and no period. March started and I had an appointment to take my first dose of the COVID vaccine. Since I didn't get a period in February I spoke to my infertility Nurse Practitioner and she gave me the option of starting a medication to jump start my period. Because I knew I had my second vaccine in a few weeks we decided to hold off. I didn't want to be on all this medication and the possibility of being pregnant and get my second vaccine. I'm glad I waited because my period came naturally at the end of March. 

I called my Nurse Practitioner and I've never heard someone so excited for me to have a period. I was a bit confused because having a period meant I wasn't pregnant but she assured me that in my case, a period was a good thing. It meant my body is doing what it's supposed to do and I didn't need extra help. On the third day of my period she prescribed me Letrozole to help me ovulate. It was an itty bitty tablet (like birth control size) I took once a day for five days. During these five days I did get my second dose of the COVID vaccine and thankfully didn't have any major side effects. 

The next week I started testing again for ovulation. For four days straight I got nothing. Then I woke up Friday morning with a big SMILEY FACE, it was go time! I called my Nurse Practitioner and they wanted us to come in right away. 

Titan rushed home to produce his sample and drove our future hopeful baby to the lab. They performed a sperm wash (separate the sperm from the other stuff) and two hours later I found myself on the table preparing to "get pregnant". 

This time, my Nurse Practitioner was the one to perform the procedure so it was nice to have a familiar face. She came into the room bragging on how proud she was of Titan. I think she even called him a rockstar at one point (more on that later). She talked me through exactly what would happen and started the procedure. The clamp was used and a few cotton swipes to clean me out. She inserted a catheter and down (or up) went my little swimmers. She held it in place for a few minutes and next thing I knew we were done. She had me lay there with my hips elevated for 20 minutes just to allow the swimmers to do their thing. After the 20 minutes she asked me if I wanted to see a part of my husband I probably have never seen before. I agreed and she took me to the back where she had set up a microscope. 

She explained that there's always a drop left of the sample and she smeared this drop on to those clear things to look under the microscope. I looked in and saw my little swimmers! There were so many of them! According to the Nurse, Titan provided 38 million of them to be somewhat exact! She zoomed in closer and I saw the activity even better. Some weren't moving (dead), some were swimming in circles (crazy ones), and others were swimming in a straight line (those we like). She said there was a good amount of them swimming in a straight line so Titan had a good batch! As I left the office she reminded me to have a relaxing weekend and have lots of sex! Now for a blood test in a week and a pregnancy test the week after. Prayers are much appreciated :)

Future hopeful baby in that little tube!

Secondary Infertility: HSG x-ray

Two days after my pelvic ultrasound appointment I had the dreaded HSG x-ray. I googled the heck out of it so I knew what to expect and all I heard were horror stories. I even talked to a friend who had this procedure done and it got me even more anxious. Going into the appointment I took two advil pills because I heard it's good to take something 30 min-1 hour beforehand to possibly eliminate any discomfort. I got checked in and used the bathroom (the last thing I wanted was to pee all over the table while this procedure was happening). I quickly got called back and the x-ray tech was so sweet. We had some small talk and she even put on some music to help distract me. 

The Radiologist finally arrived and he talked through every step with me. First, he cleaned everything down there and made sure I didn't touch the towels they had on me since they were considered "sterile". He placed the clamp on (similar to what they use for a pap smear) and slowly inserted a thin tube all the way to the opening of my cervix. The radiologist constantly checked in on me and talked me through everything. At one point he asked if I felt pressure and I responded with a "not really". This somewhat concerned him because usually you feel something so he knows he's far up enough. He then squeezed a balloon type thing filled with dye into the tube. We watched as the dye spread through my fallopian tubes and how it spilled out on both sides. This was a good thing because it meant that there were no blockages in my tubes. 

All in all the procedure lasted about 6-7 minutes (if that). There was minor pressure but nothing really to write about (everyone has different experiences). I got changed and headed home expecting to feel cramping but there wasn't any. I guess after experiencing contractions and actually delivering a baby there's nothing that really compares to the pain I've felt before. They advise you not to submerge in water or have sex for a whole day to eliminate infection but nothing I couldn't live without. Next, we do the deed and try to get pregnant. 

Something cool I learned was that fallopian tubes don't really look like bull horns. They're actually small squiggly lines and not so much big round things we normally see in textbooks. Here is a photo of my x-ray with the tube inserted and the ink spilling out. 

Secondary Infertility: The first pelvic ultrasound

About an hour and a half before your appointment they make you empty your bladder. After doing so, you have to drink 30 oz. of water in 30 minutes. To some that may be easy but for me it was torture. I already don't get enough water in my system so I felt like I was going to drown. I timed it right where I would eat my lunch during those 30 minutes so it was easier for me to drink water. Then, you wait. You can't use the bathroom prior to your appointment and again it wasn't so bad at first. As I pulled into the parking lot the urge came. I rushed to diagnostic imaging and of course there were 3 people in front of me. At this point, I was doing the pee dance and even had to sit on a chair to hold it in. I seriously thought I was going to pee in front of everyone! I threw my medical card onto the counter and told the receptionist, I have to do that ultrasound thing and I drank a bunch of water but I really have to pee! She called the x-ray tech and notified her about my situation and gave me the ok to release a little. I guess she could tell from the look in my eyes and me hunched over with my legs crossed that I wasn't going to be able to hold it across the building to the nearest restroom so, she let me use on their bathrooms. I kid you not, it flowed like the Jordan river. A few minutes later I was called back for my appointment. 

I've had ultrasounds before (ummm... hello, I've had a baby before) but I was still anxious. I knew what an abdominal ultrasound was like but I've never had a transvaginal one done. The abdominal one is like what you see in the movies. A warm gel is placed on your belly and they have a tool (scanner looking thing the size of a hand scanner you see while checking out at the grocery store) that can see your insides. Nothing major.

Then the ultrasound tech handed me this huge wand looking thing. Seriously, it looked 2 feet long. She said "ok I'm going to hand this to you under the blanket and you're going to stick it in" I responded "like a tampon?" She chuckled and said yes. It wasn't as bad as I thought nor did it hurt like I thought but she was in there for a little. A little cramping and a little pressure and discomfort but nothing major. I did take an Aleve before my appointment so that may have something to do with it. She probed and moved the wand left and right. Within 20 minutes the appointment was over. Thank goodness because sure enough I had to pee again!

                         

Secondary infertility is STILL infertility

 I've been a bit anxious opening up about this but I told myself I wanted to start writing more in 2021 so here it goes...

In 2016 we were blessed with a healthy baby boy. Well, now that baby is four going on fourteen and we've been longing to grow our family. I always wanted my kids close in age 2, maybe 3 year apart, but unfortunately that wasn't in the cards for us. I had a bad pregnancy the first time around and I remember telling myself "I don't know why anyone would want to put themselves through this again knowing what it was like the first time". From nausea to actually loosing weight from throwing up so much, to 3.5 hours of pushing and breast engorgement from clogged ducts you name it, I had it. I often blame myself for the reason why we haven't been able to get pregnant again. Thoughts like "if I hadn't complained so much" or "why does my body hate me so much" are often played in my head but I have to keep telling myself to Trust in HIS plan and not mine.

So here we are 2 years of trying and 1 year of really trying and still no sibling for Jet. We've had numerous conversations about how far we really wanted to go with treatments and finally made the appointment to meet with an infertility specialist. At the end of 2020, literally December 28, we met with the specialist and she asked us a bunch of questions regarding our medical history and family medical history. She developed a plan of action starting with taking vitamins (Irene: Omega - 3, CoQ10, D3, prenatal and Titan: Omega - 3, CoQ10, D3, Mens multi-vitamin). We started those and I developed a rash in my underarms and me and the ladies room got to know each other really well - I'll leave that part up to your imagination. I recently stopped the CoQ10 and my rash has disappeared and I no longer frequent the restroom. 

Next, she ordered a bunch of tests. First, Titan had to do a semen analysis. He complained about it but seriously, all he needed to do was provide a sample in a cup. His results came back normal and we learned that he has many healthy swimmers. Us ladies, we have it a bit harder. Some tests include an ultrasound (both abdominal and vaginal) to check your ovaries and uterus. 7-10 days after the start of your period you do a HSG test where they insert dye into your fallopian tubes to see if they're open or blocked. Both men and women have to do some blood tests. Once we get the results back of all the tests we'll develop another plan of action. This could include several rounds of IUI and eventually IVF. Since we already have one kid we (more-so me) decided we'll go as far as IUI but didn't want to do IVF. 

I'll document more of my journey here so feel free to check back for updates. Here's to hoping to introduce you to a new healthy sibling for Jet by the end of this year or early next year!

Traveling with a toddler tips and tricks

We recently took a 10 day vacation to "the Mainland" (what islanders call the Continental U.S.) and this way by far the longest trip we've taken as a family yet. I was a bit apprehensive being away for so long but my husband's work schedule is quite hectic so when he gave me the go ahead, I booked it! Here are some traveling tips I've learned and things I would definitely do again:

1. If your wallet allows for it, book extra comfort seats.
We exclusively fly with Hawaiian Airlines and booked row 11 on a previous trip and loved it. Row 11 on the Airbus A330 allows for extra leg room (so much so, with my back against the seat I could barely touch the wall with my feet). This allowed my 3 year old to play on the floor, walk around (or jump around), and even go spend time with dad who was seated in the seat across the aisle from us. As an added bonus, we were right behind first class so there were no seats in front of us, and right in front of the exit door so no seats behind us. This still allowed our seat backs to recline and we each had a personal tv monitor built into the arm rest.

2. Milk is provided on the plane
Like most planes, complimentary coffee is served. So, since my son had a ticket of his own and doesn't drink coffee (I don't know what kid does) I asked for milk. This was a lifesaver because there was nothing more my son wanted than some good ole milk and we all know the airport charges an arm and a leg for ANYTHING!

3. Car seats and strollers fly free
Car seats and strollers are a pain to lug around but this is a necessity. We always check-in our car seat free of charge. We use a car seat bag to protect the seat and found this car seat bag by JEEP to work perfectly for our Britax seat. This time around we decided to gate check our stroller. It's a big hit or miss when my son decides he wants to walk so we took the stroller as far as we could just in case. This worked for the busy airports or when we needed to walk at an adult speed to get to our gate.

4. Bring familiar toys and some new toys for the trip
I don't know what we would have done if we didn't have my son's beloved Mickey Mouse with us. He usually just sleeps with Mickey and doesn't come out of the house but we allowed him to tag along everywhere we went. Yes, he came everywhere with us! From the theme parks, to the grocery store, Mickey was our 2nd child. Having Mickey around offered a sense of security for my son in an unfamiliar environment so we were ok with the extra accommodations that needed to be made for our stuffed mouse.
About 2 hours into the plane ride I could tell my son was already getting bored of the toys he had. Luckily, we left the day after Christmas which allowed for some new toys. He loved being able to play with something he's never played with before and this allowed for some extra shut eyes for mommy and daddy.

5. Show your kid some videos of where you're going beforehand to spark their interest
My husband was great at looking up YouTube videos on the various cities and theme parks we were planning on attending. This allowed us to see if our son would be interested in going to these places and also got to start getting him excited for it. My son is a big Blippi fan and I don't know how many times he's seen the Kinderland and Children's Discovery Center visits in Las Vegas, NV. My son thought it was so fun to go where Blippi went and we even used it as an incentive for good behavior.

Dinner at Cafe Lani Hawaii

The other night my husband and I decided to try out the fairly new Cafe Lani at the Ala Moana shopping center. We've heard mixed reviews on it and it only received 3 stars on Yelp so we were a bit skeptical. To our surprise it was great and can't wait to go back again to try new dishes. For now, here's my thoughts on our experience:

Restaurant itself:
Came here on a Friday night around 7:00 and the wait was 30-40 min. Very limited seating in the waiting area hence that's why you see people standing outside the restaurant almost all the time. Inside the feel is very chic and a cute spot featuring patterned wallpaper and bright white leafless tree structures. Because the restaurant is also a bakery the smell is great! Super cute feel to it.

Service:
Our server was friendly and was very helpful with her suggestions. However, during the meal it was difficult to find her and when we did, she wasn't very available to us.

Food:
My husband got the Fedelini Porcini Cream Sauce set which included: Porcini cream pasta, green salad, clam chowder (or french onion soup), and a small Lani pizza. The porcini cream pasta was by far my most favorite dish. It wasn't too much cream for those who are lactose intollerant and the flavors blended together nicely. The green salad was your typical salad with an Asian style vinaigrette dressing. We opted for clam chowder which was just average and the pizza was nothing out of the ordinary. For $25.00 I feel the price was well worth it.

I opted for the Porcini Gratin with Italian sausage and roasted potato set which included: Porcini mushroom, potato, Italian sausage, roasted tomato, mini salad, mini strawberry parfait (chocolate is also an option), and all you can eat bread. This is featured in their Fall Seasonal menu. The main dish had penne pasta and was baked. The cream sauce was on the thicker side so if you're lactose intollerant you may want to approach this dish with caution. The salad was the same as my husband's, and the mini strawberry parfait was a nice topper. Now remember how my set came with all you can eat bread? Well, before we got our meal our server initially came out in the beginning with three different types of bread (see picture), but as the meal went on no one offered us any more bread. The table next to us kept getting asked if they wanted bread but for some reason everyone kept skipping over us. I had to flag down the bread servers a few times to try the different types they were offering. However, the bread was nice and warm and they were all very tasty. For $22.50 I feel my set was worth the price.

Mama Bear Input:
Bright lighting so it may be a little difficult for your little one to get some zzz's. It's a little noisey but what restaurant isn't. Stoller parking is up front next to the hostess stand. Kids menu available!

Overall:
My overall impression of this place exceeded my expectation. Don't you just love when that happens? I would rate this place a 4 out of 5. The wait time wasn't too bad considering it was prime dinner time on a Friday night and the food was up to par. However, the service could have been a little better. For a complete list of their menu and oferrings, visit their website at http://www.cafelanihawaii.com/#

Cute wall decor

Fedelini Porcini Cream Set

Porcini Gratin main dish

First round of free bread with dipping sauces in the background

Mini strawberry parfait

Quiet time reflection

Before giving birth I thought I would be bored staying home with the baby while on maternity leave. I thought I would have a ton of time to do things and I would be asking to go back to work early. Boy was I wrong! Nowadays, my life consists of feedings, pumping, changing diapers, rocking a screaming baby, looking for his favorite pacifier, rinse and repeat. Daily checklists and errands have consumed me, and in all honesty I haven't been able to spend some quiet time with God. These past three months have flown by and although I love being Jet's mommy, sometimes I just wish I had more time.

This afternoon, I was able to sneak away to the other room while Jet had his afternoon nap and opened my bible for the first time in months. What started out as an "I'll just read one chapter since that's better than nothing" turned into "oh that was good I need to keep reading". I came across a verse that really made me feel less guilty about not having enough time and reminded me that God sees our needs (Nehemiah 1). This new season in my life will be such a learning experience and my hope is to share this journey with all of you. My prayer is that I am able to get more of these quiet times with God and through Him learn to be an exceptional wife and mom.

Four days that would change my life forever

July 28, 2016

I started feeling heavier and more frequent Braxton hicks contractions all week so I decided to stay home from work today. Since I had done all I could do to prepare my projects I would leave behind while on maternity leave I didn’t feel so bad taking a sick day. Nothing exciting happened today so it was more of a free day for me to get the last few things in order at the house before the baby came.

July 29, 2016

Again, felt Braxton hicks contractions so I called out of work and stayed home. My cousin came in from LA and I met up with him for lunch. He wasn’t feeling too good so we planned on meeting up for dinner when Titan got off of work to eat pho. My best friend, Sheena, told me to eat pho because in the Vietnamese culture that would induce labor. As I started to get ready for dinner I felt a little slow leak dripping down my legs. I heard that not everyone’s water breaks the same and sometimes it could be a slow leak like a faucet and not like what you’d imagine. Titan came home to find me hunched over the bathroom sick with a towel under me because the leak just wouldn’t stop. I was sure my water had broken because I had just gotten out of the shower and there was no way it was pee. So, quickly and calmly he began to pack his bag while I called labor and delivery to let them know I was on my way. On the way to the hospital I didn’t really feel any contractions and this was nothing like I thought it would be. They checked me in and luckily my normal mid-wife was on shift that night so it was re-assuring to see a familiar face. Since it didn’t appear like I was in any sort of pain nor was I having contractions it took a while for her to actually check me. After a few hours she came back with the results. Verdict was that my water had not broken and it was just some sort of discharge. She said it’s better to be safe than sorry and 9 out of 10 times people in my situation are back at the hospital within 24-48 hours.

July 30, 2016

I had planned to meet my friend Winnie for lunch and being how rollie pollie I felt I dragged her along to Costco to stock up my fridge. Later that afternoon I was online Googling “How to naturally induce labor”. I often saw dancing was a great way so on to YouTube I went to find some dancing music. Since I’m not a free style dancer, I learned the entire Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” thanks to some tutorials. After about an hour of that and some hula songs I was beat. Titan got home and we decided to give this pho theory a shot. We got home from dinner and still no sign of baby. Little did I know this would be the last night of sleep for a while.

July 31, 2016 (My due date)

Around 4:30 am I felt cramping in my stomach and I went to use the bathroom. The feeling never really went away so I woke Titan up and told him I think I was having real contractions this time. For some reason I didn’t know how I could tell this was the real deal but your instincts just tell you. I downloaded an app to help me track my contractions and for the next few hours I walked back and forth around my living room to try and move the contractions along. All the while, Titan was snoozing and he claims he was “resting up”. Soon enough the sun came up and my contractions were still about 10 minutes apart. At around 11:30/12:00ish I told Titan it was time to head to the hospital. So, off we went and since this was the second alarm I remembered to bring things I forgotten the first time like my pillow I can’t sleep without.  My contractions started getting closer together and more painful. I remember Titan dropping me off in the loading zone and a security officer coming by to ask me if I needed assistance. I guess the hunching over holding my stomach and grabbing the pillar in the lobby gave it away. Being the superwoman I am (lol) I said I was fine and up to labor and delivery we went.

After getting checked in the mid-wife on duty made the call to admit me. My contractions were still tolerable at this point so I got dressed in those lovely hospital gowns and the staff encouraged me to eat some lunch. After lunch I decided I wanted this baby out so we took a walk around the labor and delivery floor. It started out fine and then the contractions started getting more and more painful. We stopped about every two minutes because I just couldn’t handle the pain. What helped was facing Titan and leaning on him for support. He would squeeze my hips during the contraction and he said this happened about 10 times. According to Titan, it took an hour just to do one lap. As we approached our room I told Titan I needed the epidural. The pain was so intense that if I had to describe it, it was like lightning occurring in my abdomen. Since there was only one epidural guy on the floor and he was already helping someone else, my nurse gave me some type of medication because we didn’t know how long it would take for him to get to me. Luckily, it was only about a 10 minute wait and I found myself hunching over forming an “S” with my back. This was a lot harder than I thought and it took a while for him to insert the needle. Titan hates needles so he excused himself and got some lunch at the cafeteria. When he got back I was feeling g-o-o-d. The nurse encouraged me to get some rest because I’d need it when it came time to push. I was in and out of it and there was a pocket on my lower left side that didn’t get the epidural. It sucked! With every contraction I could feel the thunder and lightning in that one area and no matter what I did it wouldn’t go away.

At around 7:30 pm my nurse told me her shift was over and introduced me to the nurse that would take over for the rest of the night. Since getting the epidural it slowed my contractions down significantly I think they mentioned something about the baby’s heart rate dropping. It wasn’t something they were too concerned about but they needed to help me move things along. At around 9 pm they broke my water and gave me some Pitocin to help my contractions. This whole time I still felt that little pocket of pressure and by then I wasn’t able to get much rest.

At around 11 pm they said I could start pushing. God bless my nurse and husband because they stayed by my side the entire time. I pushed with every contraction (ok I cheated a little and rested through a few) and it felt like I wasn’t making any progress. A few hours in the doctor came and mentioned the option of having the baby vacuumed out or assisted out with tongs. I guess they were a little more worried about the baby at this point and Titan texted this information to my sister who works in labor and delivery on Maui. At about 2:00 am I looked at Titan in a way he would describe as desperation. I was exhausted and I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt like I wasn’t making any progress and I remember starring into his eyes and without saying a word I told him I was done. With some encouragement from the nurse and Titan, on to pushing I went with every contraction. At around 2:30 with my first contraction push, the doctor rubbed down there to what I think was help open thing up for him to come out. On the second push, Jet literally shot out and all I remember the doctor saying was “don’t push, don’t push”! I felt an enormous amount of pressure and it was hard not to push. Although Jet’s bed and monitoring device was already set up in the room, my bed wasn’t ready for all the other stuff that came out in addition to baby.

They laid Jet on my chest and I didn’t know what to feel or think. Was this real? Was this kid actually mine? After a few minutes of being in shock and listening to him cry, I began to cry. My baby boy was finally here and yes, he was all mine.

Jet Thomas Burns was born on August 1, 2016, at 2:39 am weighing 7 lbs 8.6 oz and 19 inches long.

1st trimester

I’m one of the youngest of my cousins on my dad side so I’ve had my fair share of experiencing babies being born and watching them grow up. Besides that, as a side job I used to nanny and help take care of kids so having one of my own one day was something I knew I’ve always wanted. Before getting pregnant (you can read how I found out in the post just before this) I heard some broad generalities about being pregnant. I knew that most people had it rough the first trimester and knowing how hard my mom had it she sort of told me what I could expect. What I didn’t know was exactly how I would feel or what my body was about to go through. This post is very honest and may be a little TMI or gross for some. However, here are a few truths about those first weeks of pregnancy at least in my case.

1.  You think you won’t get sick then BAM it hits you

I thought I would be one of the lucky ones who doesn’t get sick or would only get mild nausea but nope, not even close. At around 7 weeks the nausea kicked in. It wasn’t so bad this early on and even tolerable for the most part. Right when I hit 11 weeks it was the day before my 30^th birthday. Titan had the day off so we went about our usual Sunday: church, lunch, errands, nap time, dinner. All day I had this pounding headache and I thought surely with an afternoon nap it would go away but nope! We met up with friends for an early dinner and I could barely hold myself up at the table. I knew something was up and after a few bites of some chicken and a total of three tater tots I was done. We headed home and before even making it on to the freeway I told Titan to pull over. I’ve never thrown up so much in my life and I feel really bad for the person that cleans up the Safeway parking lot because I left it a mess! When we got home I went straight to the toilet and threw up whatever was left in me. Next, I went straight to bed and about 30 min later I called my sister on the phone and started balling my eyes out because of how terrible I felt. Again, I had the urge to go but this time nothing was coming out. I just remember my stomach contracting and gagging but there was nothing left in me (not even water) to vomit. I sat down on the bathroom floor feeling weak, dehydrated, and defeated. Next thing I know we’re at the Emergency Room getting an IV and some miracle medicine to help ease the nausea. Happy Birthday to me!

2.  There goes your appetite

This was one of the first signs that my body was changing. Prior to getting pregnant Titan and I would eat out almost every night. Whether it was a quick meal at the food court or at a nice restaurant, this is when we made time for “us” and got to catch up on what’s going on in life in general. We went to Maui for his birthday and to visit some family and by then I was already 7 weeks. We went to a nice fancy restaurant and I ordered my usual go to meal (braised short ribs). A few bites in I was full. No, I hadn’t eaten a huge lunch or even snacked prior to dinner I just wasn’t hungry. We took my leftovers to go and when we got back to the hotel I was hungry again. I’m finally starting to get my appetite back but instead of eating big meals I just eat smaller portions but more frequently.

3.  Sleepy does not even describe it

I work at an office with white walls, no windows, and horrible lighting so it’s natural for me to feel sleepy after staring at the computer all day. But, by the time I start walking to my car I get a burst of energy and I go about my afternoon whether it’s taking the dogs out for a walk, exercising, or household chores. With this pregnancy I haven’t been able to do any of that! As soon as I get home I usually start to feel nauseous and the only thing that relieves it is sleeping it off. Sometimes I’ll sleep through the night and other times I’ll wake up a few hours later, take a shower, then head right back into bed. Lately, I don’t feel as sleepy and have actually been able to stay awake until 10:30 pm! However, on the weekends I do tend to take two hour naps in the middle of the day J

4.  You feel horrible and you can’t tell anyone why

So, remember my birthday story, it was my big 3-0 birthday and usually I’m a big birthday celebration person. I think people expected me to throw something at least a get-together but this year I didn’t even want to celebrate it myself. Of course, Titan and my immediate family knew why but it was still early on that no one else really knew. I don’t know how many dinner invitations I turned down or happy hours after work but now you know why I was so MIA and a couldn’t go out past 7pm.

5.  No belly yet but you have boobs for days

One of my early signs of pregnancy were tender breasts. Sleeping became hard because with even a little brush up against them it was like someone was stabbing me with a knife. I wore a sports bra for some added protection but sooner or later I grew out of what I had and had to hit up Motherhood Maternity for some sleeping bras. I’ve always been blessed at the chest so bigger boobs were no biggie for me but man, if they’re as big as they are now, I don’t even want to know what it’ll be like a few months from now!

6.  Loosing weight not gaining it

When you hear of someone being pregnant it’s expected that they’ll gain all this weight. From my first Dr.’s appointment to my most one at 19 weeks, I lost a total of 11 pounds. Now I know I’ll gain it back and then some soon enough but who would have thought that being pregnant can actually make you loose weight.

7.  Hemroids, yup I went there

No one ever told me you get them during pregnancy. In fact, they’re quite common. However, when I googled hemroids during pregnancy most people get them in their third trimester or after giving birth. In my case, that little sucker showed up at 8 weeks and still pops its head out every so often. Besides it being super annoying at least there’s over the counter medicine that you can take and it’s totally safe for you and your baby. I found that Preparation H cream and Tucks moist towelletes work best for me. Thank God for my AWESOME husband who helps apply the cream for me since I can’t see that far back and down!

8.  You can smell stuff from a mile away

I’m already really sensitive when it comes to smell but I can be in another room and smell something funny. I usually have dog feeding duty every night since Titan gets home later than I do but their dog food made me sick every time that container was open. I tried using a face mask, wrapping a towel around my face, and even holding my breath but nothing worked. There were nights where Titan wouldn’t get home until 10:00 pm and my poor doggies still hadn’t eaten dinner because I couldn’t stand the smell of their food to feed them. Sorry Ewok and Emma!

9.  Pregnancy hormones are no joke

I’ve noticed that I’ve been super emotional and cry a lot! Because I was so sick I often felt like my body couldn’t handle all the changes and would just ball my eyes out questioning if all of this was even worth it. I would get down on myself for even thinking that and would cry even more for being such a bad mommy. I remember snapping at Titan a few times because he wouldn’t show me the “understanding and sympathy” I needed. I would often tell him “I wish you could experience how I’m feeling” and “I don’t know how anyone could have more than one kid after feeling this way”. I still feel that way sometimes but because the nausea has eased off a little I no longer think those thoughts (except for the more kids part).

10.  You make sacrifices and do whatever it takes to feel better

If you know me, you know how much I love French fries. Any style, prepared any way, I could eat them every day! At 12 weeks I began to notice that anything fried made me even more sick. Right at 13 weeks after throwing up my breakfast (jumbo jack and curly fries; yes don’t judge me that was what I wanted for breakfast) Titan cut me off completely from anything fried. That of course meant French fries. But, knowing how sick it made me I didn’t care. There was one time we ordered a meal and it came with French fries. I told the waitress don’t even bother putting the fries on there and I would still pay for the cost of the meal without the fries. I wasn’t even tempted to try not even one single fry because I didn’t want to have to pay for it another way later. Now, I’m able to sneak one or two fries in with my meal but definitely still not having just fries for my meal.

I hope this post shed some light on the things people “forget” about their first trimester and if it didn’t at least you got a little laugh out of it. I’m well into my second trimester now and things have gotten SO MUCH better. Titan and I were even able to go on a little babymoon in San Francisco and I was able to eat almost whatever I wanted and keep it down (except once). More on that experience in a later post.