Its taken me a while to write this because for one, I've been battling my brain and the thoughts of failure. Failure because I felt like my body failed me. I failed. I personally know a few people whom their IUI didn't work on the first try but somewhere deep down inside of me I thought I would be different. I knew the chances of it actually working were slim and as much as I tried not to get my hopes up, up they were. For months we were waiting for that moment and finally, I thought our infertility journey was over. From timing my period, blood tests, x-rays, ultrasounds, to ovulation medication, I thought everything would finally work in our favor. Two weeks later still no period. I called my NP and explained that I never got my period yet and they suggested I wait over the weekend. I had to call back on Monday to either take a pregnancy test or go back on the ovulation medication. Well, it was the latter.
My period came that weekend and Monday morning I called to refill my prescription. As disappointed for us as our NP was, she actually said "honestly, I would be more shocked if you did get pregnant". I guess most people don't get pregnant on the first try and the more you do it, the better your chances. As disappointed as we both were she ended the conversation by saying "stick with me, we'll keep trying". So, another round of meds, another month we wait.
Next month rolls around and I had to buy another ovulation kit. If you've ever used the Clear Blue digital kits you know how pricey they can get. Irritated to have to pay to try to get pregnant I started testing. The Clear Blue kits give you a blinking/flashing happy face which means high fertility and a constant/non flashing happy face meaning peak fertility. The month prior I didn't have the blinking happy face. It went from nothing to peak so I was a bit confused as to what to do. I called the office and spoke to the nurse. She booked an appointment for the next morning since they can only do 3 or so IUI's a day. My NP called that afternoon to discuss the different happy faces and asked that I test again that afternoon. If I didn't have the constant happy face then to wait another day. If I did, then I would come in originally as planned. Well, Titan was picking Jet up from school that day and usually they just wait around or run to Walmart while they wait an extra hour for me to get off work. Since we had plans later that night and weren't planning on being home until later, I had him go home, pick up my ovulation kit, and bring it with him when he picked me up. Reluctantly he did and I tested in our school bathroom.
Sure enough, I was peaking. We went on with the rest of our evening and thought to try get pregnant the old fashion way. Knowing we had an IUI scheduled the next morning, I remember our NP saying the more the better so that's what we did.
The next morning, Titan provided his sample and two hours later I showed up for my IUI. I go into the room, everything was same as last time and a doctor comes in (my NP was off that day). She asks how I'm doing and asks me to sit up. Ok, this can't be good. She explains how they received the sample from my husband but when the lab did the wash there was barely anything there. She asked if my husband was feeling ok because they did see some red blood cells so she thought he was fighting off an infection. I called him and he explained that everything was normal and he did exactly what he was supposed to do. How could one go from 38 million to barely nothing? Bewildered she asked if I wanted to follow through with the IUI even though my chances were pretty nonexistent at this point. I told her we didn't need to and she performed my normal pap smear since I was due anyway.
Disappointed I walked back to my car in disbelief. I was numb because I didn't want to allow myself to feel anything. I called my sister and explained what happened and went to treat myself to a poke bowl to make me feel better. I went back to work and carried on with the rest of my day. My doctor calls me back two weeks later and asks to pick up my ovulation meds since a holiday weekend was coming up. I agreed and waited for my period to come, yet again.
