Dear Baby,
I never knew I could love someone I've never met. Sure, we don't have much of a bond but for the few weeks we were expecting you it was like a dream come true. Your dad, brother, and I waited almost 2 1/2 years for you and finally three tests later we were expecting you. When I first took the pregnancy test I went in with very low expectations. Month after month I would have negative tests so I've learned not to get my hopes up. Finally, it was positive! I couldn't believe my eyes. I had it all planned out, how I was going to tell your dad. I recorded his reaction and everything!The next week we went to the doctor's office to confirm you were real and sure enough, positive. It was true, we weren't dreaming! We got pregnant, without the help of an IUI!
That same day I had to do a gestational diabetes test even though I was only 4 weeks at the time. See, when you're old like me and diabetes runs in our family, the doctors make you do things like this early on. Sure enough, my levels were high. A week later I did a three hour test to confirm my diagnosis. It was true. Pregnancy had given me gestational diabetes. The following week your dad picked up the testing kit and four times a day I had to measure my blood sugar levels. It was complete torture, but for you, I would do whatever it took. Next, I had to go on a strict diet and basically give up carbs and sweets but again, I would do whatever it took to have us healthy.
A few weeks later we were scheduled for our 9 week ultrasound. I was so excited to finally be able to see you for the first time. The ultrasound tech called us back and already things started out stressful. They got a new machine and she was learning how to use it. I felt like a guinea pig. She was stressed, I was stressed, not a good combination. She ran the wand over my stomach and said you were too small to see so she had to go in vaginally. Piece of cake, I just did this a few months ago. NOT! Remember how she was learning the new machine? Well, she had one hand on the wand (which was in me) and one hand learning which buttons to press. Things took longer than expected because she would push the wrong button and delete what she needed. Lots of pressure and lots of attitude from this expectant mama. She informs us that you were measuring at only 6 weeks and 2 days. Ok, a little off from the expectant 9 weeks and 4 days we thought you were but it happens. She sits me up and hands me a box of tissues. She explains "I need to show these scans to the doctor and she'll be in to talk to you". Confused, I ask her is everything ok? She can't say.
The doctor comes in and says you're measuring small and when they did the scan they didn't detect a heartbeat. She schedules us to come back a week later to re-measure and see if they can find a heartbeat then. Of course being the mom I am, I read everything Google had on "no heartbeat at 6 weeks gestation" to "signs of miscarriage". A few days later I start spotting again. The first time was a few weeks ago but it was very minimal and it went away so I wasn't concerned. Three days later, I was still spotting but now it's starting to get heavier. I wake up on day four thinking ok, something is wrong. Your brother and I go to school but as soon as I get back to my office after dropping him off I feel a gush of blood. This time with tissue. Ok, something is definitely wrong and what I've been fearing is actually happening. I call the doctor and head home.
We have an appointment later that morning but in my heart I already knew. I knew that you weren't meant to be mine on earth but that I'll see you in heaven. The rest of the day was painful as you passed through me. The last time I cried this much was when your papa died. There's a lot of people in heaven so if papa hasn't found you yet, be on the look out for a guy who probably looks like you. Make friends with the rest of the babies who haven't met their earthly parents yet and watch over your dad, brother, and I. I love you Baby B and when my time comes to call heaven my home, I'll be happy to meet you.
I got this custom bracelet made with what would have been your birthstone. Did you know we would’ve shared the same stone? I’ll always have this on my right hand to remind me of the few weeks you were ours. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart and will always be my second baby.
Love,
Your Mommy
